Key West, Florida A not-so-brief overview. Part 3…FINALLY!

I know that nobody is really following this blog yet, and that’s fine. It’s really here for my own personal amusement and to teach myself to be a more disciplined writer…as well as both a cathartic and harmless release for the ever-growing insanity growing inside my head …growing like a giant sunflower planted in freshly dug batty and fertilized with crazy…but even I have to say “good God Almighty..what took so long?”

I knew that trying to collect my thoughts on Key West would be a somewhat arduous task, which is why I decided to break it down into different posts but the last time I wrote anything was back on January 10^th. Today is April 23^rd.

If “lazy” were a smell, I’d have my own line of perfumes.

The moral of this story is that I have really got to get my shit together.

And together my shit will get I.

Ok, so now where was I?

…oh, right…Key West…A Not-So-Brief Overview Part III

This time, it’s personal!

Backing up for just a second, let me quickly point out that Part 1 of this seemingly endless trilogy can be found here:

http://krusterfuggnuggets.blogspot.com/2011/12/key-west-florida-not-so-brief-overview.html

While the sequel can be read here:

http://krusterfuggnuggets.blogspot.com/2012/01/key-west-florida-not-so-brief-overview.html

Are we all caught up?

Good…moving on.

I’d like to use Part 3 to talk more about some of the places I feel that are worth mentioning. I’m going to skip some of the more obvious locations like Mallory Square for sunset or Hog’s Breath Saloon where “Hog’s Breath is Better Then No Breath”…I still have no idea what that means… not because I have anything against them. It’s just that they’ve already been written about ad nauseum and honestly, I have nothing more of value that I can say. If you want to learn more about the 7 Mile Bridge, I recommend the book “Everything I Always Wanted To Know About The 7 Mile Bride”. I believe it ships for free from Amazon if you have a subscription to Amazon Prime.

Now, if you’ve never been to Key West and are thinking of planning a trip, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of different websites you could check out to do your research. The obvious choice would be www.keywest.com or even www.floridakeys.com. My personal favorite is www.filthyhookerpigsofkeywest.com

I’m pretty sure that’s the one that got me on the “no-fly” list.

Most sites are highly informative and cover just about everything and anything the first, second, fifth, or tenth time visitor would want. Hotels, motels, B&B’s, S&M dungeons, restaurants, bars, gyms, laundry mats, sex shops, doctors, dentists, landscapers, tattoo artists so on and so on.

However there are still a few places they might not mention or if they do they don’t explain WHY you should go there. And it’s the WHY that’s important.

For example, every guidebook on Key West will tell you that Sloppy Joes is a “must see”. And why wouldn’t they? It’s a Key West staple. A legend all onto itself, known worldwide. Hell, their slogan is “Sloppy Joes, A Key West Tradition!”. It’s printed on every single piece of merchandise they sell.

But is that a reason to go there? Because a T-shirt tells you to?

In my opinion, no.

Much like almost everything else in Key West, there’s a history to Sloppy Joe’s that you should at least be aware of before heading down to it.

Now before you get your panties all in a twist, I’m not saying that you need to learn every nook and cranny of backstory to every brick and mortar building to enjoy Key West. Not at all. In fact, the more I visit that town, the more shit I forget. But what I AM saying is that, by at least knowing part of why you should be in a certain place, makes actually being there a much more rewarding experience.

Yes Key West is a full tilt boogie town. No doubt. Your body will shut down long before the town does. But guess what hoss? You ain’t the first to fuck and fight your way down Duval St…and you won’t be the last. To know that you’re sitting where Hemmingway sat, eating where Truman ate, sleeping with same transvestite hookers that Capote slept with should be of some significance to you.

And if it’s not, then go start your own blog…or at the very least, stop reading mine.

So should you stop at Sloppy Joe’s?

The answer is yes.

But not for very long. In my opinion, it’s a bit of a shit-show. Grab a drink and head across the street over to….

The Bull and Whistle Bar.

The Bull and Whistle is a bit of a mixed bag.

It’s a 3 story building, offering a different bar and experience on each level.

And ironically enough the levels are in direct proportion to how much fun you can expect to have.

The lower level, The Bull is an anomaly. It’s the only place I’ve ever seen that has almost two complete walls of nothing but open air, direct sunshine access, yet remains darker then Showtime at the Apollo. It’s a cute little dive that serves cheap drinks and smells like cat pee.

If that’s your thing, then there’s no need to head upstairs to…

The Whistle Bar.

Up about 20 steps from the Bull is the Whistle.

A spacious room with the bar off to the left, pool tables to the right and a wrought iron enclosed balcony with enough seats (usually) for everyone. It’s this balcony that makes the Bull and Whistle worth experiencing…well, that and the **said in whispered tones** the “third floor”…more on that in a bit.

Sitting out on the balcony with a beer watching the people shuffling up and down Duval Street is a completely unique experience. A bird’s eye view of drunks, Drag Queens and people just trying to avoid making eye contact with either of them, gives you a very unique perspective on the world. It makes you wonder about your own place in society and how the Gods must perceive all of us. Or, at the very least it’s a great way to look at titties.

Don’t kid yourself...I’m not so high and mighty then I’m above cheap thrills.

And speaking of cheap thrills, that brings us to the third floor…

The Garden of Eden Bar.

Right off the bat I’m going to tell you that the name “The Garden of Eden” is a bit of a misnomer.

See, when you hear the words “Garden of Eden” there’s a built in expectation based on the *ahem*…”religious significance”.

The term conjures up imagery of endless beauty and wonder. Fantastical delights engaging all 5 senses. It’s imagined as a Utopia with boundless delectations.

The Garden of Eden Bar in Key West is the exact opposite.

The “appeal” of the place is that it’s clothing optional.

That’s also its biggest flaw.

Saying that, generally speaking, the people who take their clothes off at The Garden probably shouldn’t, is an understatement. The truth is, the people who strip down to their flappies and dangles are the ones who should have their clothes permanently welded to their bodies.

Sexy? No.
Wrinkly? Yes.

Make no mistake, the women up there will not look like Scarlett Johansson.

They will look like David Johansen.

If you do decide to venture up there, please do so on an empty stomach and at your own risk.

Keep in mind, they don’t allow pictures to be taken at the Garden of Eden. I think this has less to do with privacy issues and more to do with the staggering number of camera suicides.

Tread lightly, keep your hands in your pockets and don’t stare directly into anything.

The Green Parrot and The Schooner Wharf Bar.

I’m combining these two places for the sake of streamlining this whole process and because I’ve already talked, albeit briefly, about them in other posts.

The reasons to visit both of these spots is as much the same as it is different.

Wha?

Let me explain.

The Green Parrot and The Schooner Wharf couldn’t be any more different in terms of location and overall vibe if one was on Jupiter and the other was..well the other wasn’t on Jupiter.

The Green Parrot

           

is a bluesy dark bar that’s so rough around the edges the beer has splinters. It’s one half juke joint, one half honky tonk and it’s got a whole other half that’s the realest place you’ll ever find. Hands down it has the best live music in Key West and I’d go so far as to say the best music scene in all of Florida. Blues, rock, swamp, funk, jazz, swing…a band can’t honestly say they’ve played everywhere until they’ve played The Green Parrot.

It has zero pretense and does not give a shit if you’re a rock star, porn star, bellhop or circus clown. Walk in, grab a beer, don’t be an asshole and everything will be just fine. If you don’t think a building can have a soul, then you’ve never been here.

The energy that flows through the Parrot can power a small town…and occasionally does.

There’s a reason it’s at the very end of US1…because nothing is strong enough to follow an act like this. 

Believe it!

The Schooner Wharf Bar

...on the other hand is a laid back outdoor house of worship…if you happen to worship buckets of beer and platters of shrimp…which, thankfully, I do. As I’ve mentioned before, it is simply, my favorite place on planet Earth.

Like the Green Parrot, there is no pretense, no pomp and definitely no circumstance to be found at Schooner Wharf. Walk in off the harbor or the street, find a table and sit down. The waitress will be over when she gets a minute. Don’t expect to be treated like a king just because you waddled your ass off a Royal Caribbean Cruise Ship.

The tables are wobbly plastic, the beer is ice cold and the raw bar couldn’t be any fresher if it was served by Aqua Man himself. The overall “chill” vibe at Schooner’s is so intoxicating (pun intended) that you can loose yourself and all track of time just sitting there. Show up at 11am and suddenly, before you know it, it’s 7pm and you’ve just run up a $400 bar tab.

Think I’m kidding?

 

This doesn’t include the previous $165.00 bill from the first server.

Do yourself a favor and make it a point to go there and catch a set by Michael McCloud.

He's Jimmy Buffet’s answer to Jimmy Buffet.

If you’re like me…tall, ruggedly handsome…well endowed…smell like fresh picked strawberries…you’ll have an unforgettable time at Schooners. Through the years, I have found that, like my dog, The Schooner Wharf Bar is great for judging character. If my dog doesn’t like you or if you don’t like Schooner’s, then the problem is you.

The East Martello Museum and Gardens

Ahhh…and I’ll bet you thought I was only going to list bars.

Well jokes on you drunky, because the East Martello Museum is an absolute must see.

Located at 3501 S. Roosevelt Blvd, just opposite of the airport, the museum and gardens is THE spot to learn how and why Key West is as unique a place as it is.

Everything you’ve wanted to know from its past military history to the days of the Wreckers, to its rich artist culture can be found here. As well as breathtaking panoramic views of the Atlantic coast from the central tower and the enigmatic and downright fucking creepy local legend, Robert the Doll.

(the less said about Robert, the better….apparently he doesn’t like people talking behind his back)

Yes, the museum is out of the way and no it doesn’t serve alcohol. Yes, there’s homeless people camped out in front of it and no, they don’t smell so good. Yes the souvenirs are expensive and made by sweat shop children. But that doesn’t mean the place should be overlooked. Rent a bike, ride along the Smathers Beach until you reach the museum. Stop in, have a look around and immerse yourself in some local history you uneducated mongoloid. Would it kill you to learn something new?

I didn’t think so.

BO’s Fish Wagon

BO’s (that’s Bee-Ohh’s) is less of a “where” and more of a “what”.

Where is it?
It’s on Caroline Street.

What is it?

Well, that depends on what your definition of the word “what” is.

BO’s Fish Wagon is in fact, a restaurant. But just barely. It serves food. Very good food. And beer. Cold beer. But all of that is secondary to the fact that BO’s is a place that should not be. Constructed of spare parts and held together with glue and luck, BO’s Fish Wagon is one part eatery and 3 parts divine miracle.

You don’t so much “step inside” BO’s as much as you “step underneath” an opening and pray for the best. It’s like Fred Sanford built a clubhouse for The Little Rascals and decided to serve the best cracked conch sandwich in the Keys.

The fact that they host a Friday Night Jam Session with local musicians and hundreds of patrons pushes the known laws of physics well past anything I’m comfortable with.

That being said, it’s definitely worth a visit or two, but don’t lean up against anything.

Cheeseburger Key West

Cheeseburgers and Mai Tai’s.

Do I really need to say anything more?

Just look at this picture

 

El Siboney and El Meson de Pepe

One of the great things that Key West has is its deep-rooted Cuban heritage. Seeing as how it’s only 90 miles to Cuba, it’s not hard to understand why. And aside from great cigars, Communism and facial hair, one of Cuba’s signature exports is its cuisine. To put it bluntly, Cuban food is awesome. Seriously, just awesome. There have been times when I couldn’t decide whether to eat my roast pork or fuck it. Truth is, I would eat someone’s fist…still connected to their wrist…if it was marinated in garlic mojo sauce and served with red beans. And if there’s anywhere to get the best oven-roasted fist, it’s El Siboney and El Meson de Pepe.

Now truthfully, the only reason I’m listing them together like this is that they are both Cuban restaurants. Otherwise they have absolutely nothing in common and offer two completely different experiences.

If you are looking for the quintessential Cuban experience, then it’s…

El Siboney.

The food here can not be topped so don’t even bother trying.

It simply is the best Cuban food in the Keys and I doubt you’re going to find anyone that disagrees.

The problem with El Siboney (if you can call it a problem) is that it’s off the beaten path (Catherine Street) and has no ambience whatsoever. It’s like eating in your grandmother’s dining room. If your grandmother was from Cuba…and blind…and hated people being comfortable.

If these are the kinds of things that will ruin an experience for you, then don’t go. However, if you’re not so shallow and can look past the lack of visual stimuli or modern conveniences like “chairs” and “forks”, then go an get yourself the best Cuban food this side of Castro’s backyard bbq.

El Meson de Pepe

on the other hand is almost all about the ambiance. That’s not to say the food is bad..because it’s not. It’s very good. In fact, you can smell the food at Pepe’s clear across Mallory Square. But it’s what you get in addition to great food that helps to sell this place over El Siboney.

First and foremost, it’s conveniently located at the end of Duval Street adjacent to Mallory Square.

Secondly, if you head down during the sunset celebration, you’ll get the added bonus of great live Cuban music. Lastly, you couldn’t ask for a better setting for a pitcher of Sangria then their outdoor garden. It only has about 12 to 15 tables, so you may have to wait if you want to sit out there, but trust me, it’s well worth it gooooodamnit!

Better Than Sex

Carly’s Button….

Kelly’s Klimax…

Emily’s Entry….

Names of movies that I’m currently streaming on PornHub?

Well, yes…but that’s not what we’re here to discuss.

No no..in this case, I’m referring to desserts.

Huh? Wha? Huh?

Jump back honky cat…let me explain.

Better Then Sex is the name of a bar. But not just any bar. It’s a dessert bar and that name doesn’t even begin to do it justice. Better Then Sex isn’t just better than sex…it’s better then gold-plated electro-monkey sex on a bed made of pancakes smothered in warm butter with all your buddies cheering you on.

In fact, Better Than Sex might actually ruin real sex for you.

It has for me.

Every time my wife feels like making with the foo-foo for two two, I have to turn off the lights and pretend she’s a Red Velvet cheesecake.

Sorry honey.

No really…sorry.

Seriously…sorry.

 

The place is small, the lighting dark and if the menu was any more decadent, it would give you an STD.

Items such as The Peanut Butter Perversion or the Tongue Bath Truffle are so full of flavor, your tongue will get an erection. Yes ladies, even your tongue.

But the desserts aren’t just limited to cakes and pies. They have a whole selection of dessert wines decorated with a mess of creatively obscene garnishes.

In fact, if the “Kinky Key Lime Pie” is the foreplay, then the “Caramel Over Me” is the money shot.

White Moscato wine in a caramel dipped wine glass.

 

How bout dem apples.

And speaking of apples, try the “Adult Apple”. Apple-kissed Ale in a caramel rimmed beer glass.

Want something with a little more tug and rub?

Try the “Gyration”. Rogue Mocha Porter served in a dark chocolate rimmed glass.

There is literally nothing on the menu that won’t give your face a massive orgasmic smile hemorrhage.

But…beware. Better Than Sex is a cruel mistress.

She’ll tempt you….she’ll tease you….she’ll delight you…she’ll please you.

But then…just like that (insert finger snapping sound), she’ll leave you.

You’ll seek her out….you’ll crave her…you’ll hunger for her sugary pleasures…but she won’t submit.

You’ll call her, but she won’t answer.

You’ll drive past her. But she won’t be open.

You’ll scream her name in the middle of the night…but she will not hear you.

She’ll leave you a broken empty shell of a person. Consumed with dreams made of pastries and cream.

They say it gets easier. They say time heals all wounds. They say it’s better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

They are fucking retards.

Well, that about it does it for me.

Thanks for putting up with my nonsense but it’s time to get a movin’.

The road is calling and it’s best not to keep her waiting.

See ya on the flip flop.

Oh and one more thing…

Woman eating a banana.

Cheers!

Key West, Florida A not-so-brief overview. Part 2

Key West, Florida

A not-so-brief overview Part 2

Howdy All and Welcome Back.

As the title suggests this is Part 2 of my not-so-brief overview of Key West. So if you’re just tuning in now, you may want to go back and read Part 1.

After all, if you’ve never seen The Devil in Miss Jones, how can you ever hope to follow The Devil In Miss Jones Part 2?

…or even The Devil in Miss Jones 3!

And forget about The New Devil in Miss Jones…

Anyway, like I said, if you haven’t read Part 1, take a second and give it a good once over. It’s ok, we’ll wait.

http://krusterfuggnuggets.blogspot.com/2011/12/key-west-florida-not-so-brief-overview.html

Ok, now that we’re all up to speed, let’s begin.

As I mentioned in Part 1, Key West Florida is a place like no other. I can sit here and type all kinds of obscure adjectives to help further my point, but the truth is, you have to experience it to fully understand how distinctive a place it truly is. And again, as previously mentioned, it’s the locals who play a big part in making it so unique.

During the past 20 years I’ve been fortunate enough to meet and get to know an amazing cross section of people that not only live and work in Key West, but help to define the rhythmical culture of the island. Some encounters have been nothing more then a memorable handshake, while others have become close friends.

Some of these people have since moved away from Key West, some remain and some have shuffled off this mortal coil into the setting sun.

For example….

Shel Silverstein:

If you don’t know who Shel Silverstein is (more appropriately, was) then all I have to say is, Really? You’ve never heard of Shel Silverstein? Shame on you.

Shel Silverstein was a poet, an accomplished author, a prolific and Grammy award winning songwriter and a bigger then life personality. If you don’t know him by name, at the very least have to be aware of his work.

Songs like “A Boy Named Sue” and “25 Minutes to Go”, both made popular by Johnny Cash. ”The Cover of the Rolling Stone” sung by Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show as well as hits recorded by Loretta Lynn, Bobby Bare, Waylon Jennings and others.

He’s also the author of at least a dozen best selling books including “Where the Sidewalk Ends”, “The Giving Tree”, “Falling Up” and “A Light in the Attic”. If none of this seems at all familiar or is not ringing a bell, please have someone smother you with a pillow.

Meeting Shel Silverstein is stand out memory for me and one I’m not likely to forget. It also best illustrates the somewhat “surreal” quality of Key West where this kind of chance encounter isn’t that far from the norm.

The story goes like this…

My wife and I were standing in front of a fish tank inside the Conch Republic Seafood Company- a popular waterfront bar and grill. I looked to my left and standing there was a short bearded guy, totally bald with dark sunglasses on. We’re both just staring at the fish in the tank when he turns toward me and in a gruff gravely voice, says “Nice fish uh?” I respond with a polite “Yea” and then this strange little man with the voice of someone who has been sipping broken glass from a paper cup starts point out each fish and explaining what they were. “Ya see that one there…that’s a red-toothed Triggerfish…and that one there – that’s a Foxface.” This went on for a few minutes until we somehow segued into “life down in the Keys”. He said he lived here part time, more now then before and that he loved it. Said he had spent a lot of time in a bunch of different cities, here and overseas, and that this was one of his favorites. It’s to my detriment that I didn’t ask any follow up questions as I didn’t really give it any thought. I said, “Great talking to you”, shook his hand and joined my wife at a table. Not once did I realize whom I had just been speaking with.

About 2 months later I came across his obituary in a local paper and there in grainy black and white was the unmistakable face of the gruff little man I had been speaking to. The article said that Shel had died of a heart attack in his home in Key West.

And that is where the symbolic sidewalk ends.

Tony Tarracino:

Not as famous as Shel Silverstein but no less a celebrity, Tony Tarracino was referred to as the “city's most beloved resident” and undisputed soul of Key West. If there were a way to build a human being out of parts of Key West, the result would be Captain Tony. Part bar owner, part boat captain, part gambler, part politician, part liar, part prophet, Tony was as real and raw a person as you’re ever likely to come across. As a one-time, two year Mayor of Key West from 1989 to 1991, Tony’s main objective was to “limit Key West's growth and to keep its reputation as a refuge for eccentrics and renegades who had found their way to the southernmost point of the continental United States." as well as preserving Key West's daily sunset celebration. Tony died in November of 2008 but his name and reputation live on at Captain Tony’s Saloon located at 428 Greene St.

 I had the pleasure of sharing a drink with him during a Conch Republic Independence Celebration event.

Michael McCloud:

Michael McCloud is a lot of things.

Singer, songwriter, storyteller, entertainer.

He’s also a grumpy, cantankerous, cynical scholar who somehow manages to see the world through a drunks eyes while remaining stone cold sober. He’s educated and worldly yet jaded and crude. Sharp and caustic yet altruistic and complex. He is the person Jimmy Buffet claims to be.

More then just “an alcoholic-powered juke box machine”, Michael McCloud is a true Key West legend in every sense of the word and can usually be found performing at the Schooner Wharf Bar every Wednesday through Monday from noon until 5 PM.

Stop in, order a bucket of beer and catch a set.

I command it!

Dominique LeFort:

Ok, this is a tough one….

Dominique LeFort, also known as The Catman of Key West is a Sunset Celebration performer, a highly talented cat trainer, an animal activist and quite possibly the most bat-shit person I’ve ever had the pleasure of talking to.

Always friendly…always gracious and always happy to make my acquaintance…every single time he’s made it over the past 20 years.

Dominique is eccentric.

Dominique is unconventional

Dominique is a great guy…but make no mistake, Dominique LeFort is fucking crazy.

But only someone this crazy could be so compelling.

Watching Dominique perform with his army of trained cats is like watching The Sorcerer’s Apprentice scene in Fantasia. It’s a combination of kinetic energy, whimsy and dreamlike fantasy. Only instead of marching brooms, it’s a bunch of jumping cats and instead of Mickey Mouse in wizard robes, it’s a diminutive French man in black socks barking out orders in broken English. Dominique, his cats and his act exist in only two places…Key West Florida and my nightmares. (I’m allergic to cats)

I don’t mean any of this in a negative way. There simply is nobody else on this planet like Dominique that isn’t either locked up somewhere on heavy sedation or on the next episode of Hoarders.

His skill is beyond question and his patience and love of his cats is undeniable and for that he should be both respected and commended. I however would not want to be trapped in an elevator with him for any extended period of time. That being said, make sure you catch his show. He performs nightly at the Westin Dock by Mallory Square.

Paris Dennis:

Paris Dennis is just one of a thousand musicians that perform in Key West. A somewhat imposing dreadlocked Jamaican singer/songwriter who plays a custom made rosewood guitar with the face of a lion carved into the body. However, a Paris Dennis performance is unlike any other you’re likely to see…and if you’re lucky, you’ll be pulled into the show.

Let me set the scene for you…this was my very first introduction to Paris Dennis…

It was Memorial Day weekend. Not sure the year…maybe 1998, maybe 1999…who the hell can remember…and myself, along with my then girlfriend/future wife and three of our friends (who had never been to Key West before) walked into what was, at the time, Rumrunners. A large but dank, smelly toilet of a bar with a bad reputation, located right in the thick of it on the lower end of Duval Street.

The music was loud.

The crowd was in a frenzy.

We walked in, strolled up to the bar and ordered our drinks.

Performing onstage was Paris.

Raw and unrefined…drenched in sweat and surrounded by half naked women grinding each other. The five of us watched unblinking. That is, until he grabbed a young and very excited blonde woman from the crowd and had her jump up on the bar right where we were standing. He then told her to pull up her skirt – which she did- sprayed whipped cream on her inner thigh and forced…seriously, forced - my friend Matt’s head into it and demanded that he lick it all up. – which he did with a combination of uncontainable excitement and trembling fear.

Paris was like the ringleader of some depraved Bacchanalian Circus. Equal parts Caligula, PT Barnum and Bob Marley. To this day, I’ve never seen anyone command an audience like he did that night.

A few years later, I hired him to play my wedding.

Think I’m kidding?

Look at this…

Actual photo from my wedding

Paris moved out of the Keys a few years ago and now resides in and around Tampa.

John Allicock:

John Allicock (yea yea, I know it’s funny) also known as Dr. Juice is, like Dominique LeFort, a performer at the famed Sunset Celebration in Mallory Square. He’s a tumbler, an acrobat, a comedian and can do things with his body that don’t even seem remotely safe or even possible. He’s also in his mid 50’s and is in better shape then anyone I know.

But aside from being extremely entertaining, he’s also a hell of a nice guy with a lifetime’s worth of knowledge about Key West and the people that have lived there. He’s the guy that has “seen it all” and is happy to share his experiences with you. I’ve had this opportunity a few times over the years. The first was at Ricks Bar on Duval Street during Mel Fisher Days. For those that don’t know, Mel Fisher was a treasure hunter and Keys resident responsible for finding the “Motherlode” of over 40 tons of gold and silver from the sunken Spanish Galleon, the “Nuestra Senora de Atocha”, or simply the Atocha. Every year, Key West celebrates his life and his accomplishments with a series of parties and events.

Every time I’m in Key West, I make it a point to watch John’s show at Mallory Square, compliment his performance and do one of those “Hey, remember me? I’m the guy that…etc etc”

He always says he knows me, which is nice.

Whether or not it’s true is irrelevant. He’s a great guy, with some great stories.

Whether or not they’re true is also irrelevant.

Welcome to Key West.

Pam Hobbs:

Key West is, to put it simply, an artsy town.

There are as many galleries as there are bars and as many artists as bartenders.

In fact, many bars actually sell paintings….of their bars….that you can buy in their bars…which is some kind of weird paradoxical wormhole type bending of the Eddington Limit Law of Physics. It’s been well documented that if you buy a painting of the Albert Castiglia Band performing at the Green Parrot, while sitting in the Green Parrot listening to the Albert Castiglia Band, you’ll go back in time.

Galleries of all types, sizes, shapes, colors and flavors can be found on virtually every street in Key West and one of my favorites is the 7 Artists Gallery on Duval Street, mostly because that’s where you can find Pam Hobbs.

Pam stands out on this list in that she’s the only one not likely to frighten your children.

She’s a genuinely sweet woman who is happy to tell you anything you’d like to know. Be that about her paintings, her perspective or how best to avoid a parking ticket.

She’s also able to capture the spirit of Key West better then anyone else I’ve ever seen.

The truth is, Pam herself could be a metaphor for Key West. Outgoing and friendly and at first glance, unassuming. But stick around …get to know her for a few minutes, things are about to heat up.

Pam’s ability to capture the lyrical qualities of Key West is uncanny. I talked about her paintings being “real art” in a previous post and I meant it. I think her personal style is successful because not only do I understand it and understand her, but it resonates with me as a completed piece. Yes, it could be considered “cartoonish” in an illustrated sort of way, but that’s one of the reasons it works as well as it does.

Key West is a “cartoonish” town. Things happen here that couldn’t possibly happen anywhere else.

Do you know how Key West celebrates New Years Eve?

While the whole world is watching a big shimmering ball descend in the middle of Times Square, the people in Key West cheer loudly as a drag queen gets lowered into the street in a giant sparkling shoe!

I defy you to find anything more cartoonish then that!

But to dismiss Pam’s paintings as simply “cute” or “quirky” is to do yourself a major disservice. Pam’s art can show you more about Key’s life more then any guidebook can.

She’s not painting a house. She’s showing you the lives of the people that live there.

She’s not just painting a bicycle, she’s telling you about the person that owns it.

Are these images deep and thought-provoking?

Maybe…maybe not. Who can say?

Will they spark a lively debate as to their cultural significance and place in art history?

Probably not.

Are they memorable?

Yup. They sure are.

Will they make you think fondly of your time in the Keys?

You bet your ass.

I’ve never looked at a Rembrandt and wished I was there.

And that my friends, is what you call, a positive reaction.

To see more of Pam’s work, check out her work online at:

www.hobbsart.freeservers.com

Or her blog at:

http://www.pamhobbs.blogspot.com

Or hey, here’s a novel idea…go say hello to her live and in person at the 7 Artists Gallery located at 604 Duval Street

Well that wraps up Part 2.

Stick around…Part 3 is in the works.

Remember…close cover before striking and never look a gift horse in the bush.

The road is calling and it’s best not to keep her waiting.

See ya on the flip flop.

Oh and one more thing…

Woman eating a banana.

Cheers!

Key West, Florida A not-so-brief overview. Part 1

Key West, Florida  A not-so-brief overview.  Part 1



First an apology followed by an explanation

I’m sorry.

There. There’s my apology.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know I have a tendency to ramble on a bit. In fact, to label what I do “rambling” would be like saying Louis Farrakhan occasionally has a problem with white people. It’s a bit of an understatement.

The truth is, these blogs can be a bit wordy and this particular one probably won’t be much better. In fact, I can almost guarantee it’s gonna be worse.

You see (and here’s the explanation part) I’ve thought long and hard (that’s right, long and hard) how best to write about Key West for a while now and I’ve decided to try to do it as an overview and then, over time, break it down into individual experiences.

The reason for that is two-fold.

First and foremost, Key West Florida is my favorite place. And when I use the word “place”, I don’t mean it as a destination. I mean that in the very literal, over-all sense of the word. It is simply my favorite place to be both physically and mentally. …and occasionally, erotically…but that’s another post for another blog…

Now, I’m sure you’re saying “Mentally?....what the hell kind of metaphorical faux-philosophical mumbo jumbo bullshit is that you overly pretentious cocksucker?”

…to which I reply, “let me explain”.

You know how every December you hear people talk about the “Christmas spirit”?

It’s that warm and fuzzy excited feeling you get around the holidays? The one that makes the taste of eggnog and the idea of being around your in-laws bearable? Well, technically speaking, that’s nothing more then a conditioned neurological response your brain triggers from years of training. It’s not some miracle brought on by festive wintery magic and Tim Allen movies.

 It’s a learned response. But it is very real, it’s very distinct and recognizable and it is emotional.

Well, for me, the same sentiment applies to being in Key West.

It’s much more then anticipation and excitement.

In fact, it’s the opposite.

It’s a serene level of contentment.

It’s the feeling of knowing where you belong. Almost like, you’re not alone.

I guess it’s how a Robert Smith fan feels when he or she first meets a Morrissey fan.

However in my case, it’s not a group of pasty white face downtrodden art fags rebelling against their parents for buying the wrong shampoo.

No. It’s more a feeling of being able to connect with an entire town and (most) of the people that live there. I must stress the word “live” in this instance because the last group of people I ever want to associate myself with would be gangsta rappers…and beyond that, it’s tourists.

God damn do I fucking hate tourists….and gangsta rappers….and people who dress up their cats….and Tim Allen.

Fuck Tim Allen….seriously, fuck him.

Fuck this guy

But I digress…

The vibe I get from Key West is very much one of “being home”.

It’s familiar and comforting. And even though, geographically speaking it’s not the most easily accessible place, the expedition is part of the romance.

And if you read my post about traveling, you’d know that’s saying a lot.

The second reason (remember, I was listing reasons…) is that I have been a frequent visitor to the Florida Keys and Key West for the better part of the last 2 decades.  I make it a point to get down there every year, sometimes 2 to 3 times a year if possible. And that being the case, it makes more sense to give an overview for my first Keys-themed post rather then a detailed breakdown of a particular trip.

Follow?

At some point, when I’m able to overcome the army of lazies that have forcibly occupied the Motivation Quadrant of my brain, I’ll start writing about my past adventures and exploits down in the southernmost city of the United States. And as much as I’d like to hype it up and play it off as a sordid drug-fueled road adventure, the truth of the matter is, it’s probably much less “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” 

and probably much more “Vegas Vacation”.

So there you have it. If you’ve stuck with this post this far, I’m hoping you’ll stick with it to the end.

You should.

I think you owe it yourself.

Plus, it’ll be fun and entertaining….well written with intriguing characters. There will be mystery, suspense, thrills and chills. Unfortunately in the end I will probably meander off topic or get bogged down in my own sub plots and the finale will be telegraphed and anti-climactic. Just like every Stephen King book since Salem’s Lot.

But I can promise that there’ll be explosions...car chases…gratuitous male nudity…random acts of tomfoolery…drag queens and conch fritters.

So read on dear reader…read on.

Key West:

I’m going to focus primarily on the town of Key West and leave the other Keys for another time. But, to be clear, if you’re looking for the full 7 layer-burrito experience of Key West, then driving through the upper and lower Keys is a must. Without it, you’re only getting half the soup and no salad. (Hmmm..two food references…I must be hungry)

It’s like Sherlock and no Watson…Gomez but no Morticia.

It’s like sex without foreplay. Sure it’s good, but you’ve missed out on half the fun.

At this point I’m assuming everyone reading this has at least heard something about Key West, Florida, right?

Well?...am I right?

And I’m guessing if you’ve never been there, you picture it as some kind of non-stop rum soaked party all set to a Jimmy Buffet soundtrack, right?

Well, if so, you’re correct. Kind of.

I say “kind of” because if that’s all you’re looking for then that’s all you’re going to find and in my opinion, you’ve missed the point entirely. Which, again, my opinion only, is good, because the town is already overrun with single-minded Coors Light chugging troglodytes all looking for their lost shaker of salt and people like that are one trick ponies at best. They only know of one thing –only looking for one thing and subsequently all hang out at one place. Leaving room enough for the rest of us.

It’s not a dig at Jimmy Buffet and his legion of Parrotheads per say. Nor am I critiquing the billion-dollar media empire he’s built around false hopes and crappy songs. To Jimmy, the man, I say congratulations. You done good. But if all you and you’re friends are looking for is a cheeseburger in paradise, might I recommend visiting a Margaritaville Café that is closer to home. There’s one in Las Vegas, Myrtle Beach, Panama City, Glendale Arizona, New Orleans, Connecticut, Cancun, Nashville, Chicago and of course, Orlando. You’ll have the exact same experience at any one of these locations as you would in the Keys…minus all that pesky art and culture that permeates Key West. And that is PRECISELY why using Jimmy Buffet as your motivating guide to experiencing the island is a bad idea.

Key West is a town unlike any other I’ve ever experienced.

Almost everything about it is wholly unique. The people, the atmosphere, the lifestyle…everything right down to the food. It’s a place like no other and in a very real sense, is an island unto itself.

So why would you ever use something as generic and mass-produced as “Son of a Sailor” to be your navigational beacon?  Sure it sounds like a good idea, but then again so did John Mayer and SuckerPunch…and we all remember how that turned out.

If you wanted to experience other countries and foreign cultures, you wouldn’t just go visit the different pavilions at Epcot, would you? Well, same theory applies here.

I know that in some people’s eyes, Key West is the “town that Jimmy Buffet” built, but the truth is, Jimmy Buffet is the Disneyfication of what Key West REALLY is and there probably isn’t a single Conch (a term applied to someone who was born in Key West) that would disagree with me.

But that’s not to say that the daydreams and ideals that Buffet and his trop-rock followers perpetuate and subscribe to do not exist. No. In fact, that glamorized, near fictitious Arcadia is very very real and so are its inhabitants. You just need allow yourself to see it.

As I mentioned, Key West is a town like no other. At least none that I’ve come across. Only 4 miles in length and 2 miles in width, it can literally be anything you need it to be at any time of day.

Looking for a flashy, expensive 4 star night out on the town, just head over to the Café Maquesa on Flemming Street (try the Scallop Lasagnetta!).

How about a younger party scene? Grab your bathing suit and head over to Dante’s. The only restaurant with a swimming pool.

Want something more low-key and casual? Head over to B.O.’s Fish Wagon. Literally built of spare parts and held together by duct tape and luck, it simply can’t get any more casual then this.

Parked on the corner of William and Caroline, you can’t miss it.  Just look for the truck!

There is literally a “place for everyone” in Key West and that’s a tremendous part of it’s appeal and charm. But it’s more then that, the island itself is a living, breathing sentient life form that needs to be experienced to be truly appreciated. It can see…it can hear and it can talk. And sometimes it won’t shut the fuck up.

And like any other living creature it has a heart (the nightlife), a brain (it’s history) and a soul (the locals). And it’s this soul that gives it such a diverse and multifaceted personality. And make no mistake; Key West has personality out the ass!

Whenever anyone asks me what he or she should do in Key West, my answer is always the same. As a first timer, there are 5 “Musts”. You can do these in any order but they all must be completed, otherwise, you’ve had a less then successful visit.

1. Go to the top of La Concha to see the sunset

2. Hit the Rum Bar and have Bahama Bob mix you a Goombay Smash

3. Go to Schooner Wharf and catch a set by Michael McCloud

4. The Green Parrot at night

5. MEET THE LOCALS.

That last one is imperative and it’s important that you do it on every subsequent visit as well. Just like the town, the (true) locals are a breed all their own. And each hand I’ve shaken was unique. A combination of quirky and down-to-earth…sophisticated and crass…genial and cantankerous….artistic and salty…suave and cynical….cordial, courteous and kind yet jaded, inappropriate and lewd. They are some of the most interesting and real people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

And sure, not everyone you meet will be friendly or interested in sharing a story with you, but by and large, Key West has the most fascinating cast of characters you’re ever likely to find.

I know I’m making it sound like the locals are part of a circus sideshow, lined up to be gawked at and photographed, but that’s not really what I’m getting at.

By no means am I suggesting you walk around, poking them with a stick while insisting they dance for nickels. Although, I’d like to see you try it. Lets see you get past a TSA agent with a poking stick lodged up your ass and a Conch republic flag arc welded to your back.

Everything I say, I say with total respect. Key West is an amazing place to visit, but a  very tough place to live. Sure it’s all rum and sunsets to you and I, but we don’t have to make a living there. The average local works 3 jobs and if they’re lucky, gets one day off every 5 weeks. That’s a legitimate statistic that I just made up…so you know it’s true. Most of the people I’ve met there over the years understand that the town runs on the almighty tourist dollar. They know they have to appease the fat smellies from the cruise ships if they want to make their mortgage payment and they’re happy to do so. But they also know that Key West belongs to them. You’re a guest in their house and you damn well better wipe your feet before you come in. This isn’t Disney World where it’s all plastic smiles all the time for anyone that paid their admission fee. This is the Florida Keys and if you got a smile it’s because you earned it, not because you think you deserve it.

So they do their best to straddle that thin line of gently coddling and catering to tourists while maintaining their individuality and integrity and they do this better then anyone. Warm, welcoming and hospitable…but don’t come in acting like you own the joint. They don’t call it “Bone Island” for nothing. Just ask Robert Matherson, the guy who used to own the Oak Beach Inn.

Originally when I first started writing this post, I had intended on including a brief history of Key West, going on to talk, probably at great length, about some of the famous and not so famous people that have helped to create and shape the island’s culture. But truthfully, I don’t think anyone reading this really cares and I’m not in the mood to dole out a history lesson right now. All of what I would tell you can probably be found on Wikipedia…so head over there if you’re really curious. In the meantime, here’s a quick visual reference guide of just a handful of people, past and present who either hail from or have helped contribute to the aesthetical architecture of the island.

I‘m going to end this segment here. According to the little counter at the bottom of my Microsoft Word page, I’m up to 2,273 words and I haven’t even really gotten into the “meat and potatoes” of it yet. So I’ll give my fingers and your attention span, a little rest. So feel free to get up, stretch your legs and grab a cup of coffee. Just remember- don’t feed the bears and abstain from using flash photography.

Ok, that’s all for now….Part II coming soon….the road is calling and it’s best not to keep her waiting.

Toodles.

Oh and one last thing….woman eating a banana.