I know that nobody is really following this blog yet, and that’s fine.
It’s really here for my own personal amusement and to teach myself to be a more
disciplined writer…as well as both a cathartic and harmless release for the
ever-growing insanity growing inside my head …growing like a giant sunflower
planted in freshly dug batty and fertilized with crazy…but even I have to say “good
God Almighty..what took so long?”
I knew that trying to collect my thoughts on Key West would be a
somewhat arduous task, which is why I decided to break it down into different
posts but the last time I wrote anything was back on January 10th.
Today is April 23rd.
If “lazy” were a smell, I’d have my own line of perfumes.
The moral of this story is that I have really got to get my shit
together.
And together my shit will get I.
Ok, so now where was I?
…oh, right…Key West…A Not-So-Brief Overview Part III
This time, it’s personal!
Backing up for just a second, let me quickly point out that Part 1 of
this seemingly endless trilogy can be found here:
While the sequel can be read here:
Are we all caught up?
Good…moving on.
I’d like to use Part 3 to talk more about some of the places I feel that
are worth mentioning. I’m going to skip some of the more obvious locations like
Mallory Square for sunset or Hog’s Breath Saloon where “Hog’s Breath is Better
Then No Breath”…I still have no idea what that means… not because I have
anything against them. It’s just that they’ve already been written about ad
nauseum and honestly, I have nothing more of value that I can say. If you want
to learn more about the 7 Mile Bridge, I recommend the book “Everything I
Always Wanted To Know About The 7 Mile Bride”. I believe it ships for free from
Amazon if you have a subscription to Amazon Prime.
Now, if you’ve never been to Key West and are thinking of planning a
trip, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of different websites you
could check out to do your research. The obvious choice would be www.keywest.com or even www.floridakeys.com. My personal favorite
is www.filthyhookerpigsofkeywest.com
I’m pretty sure that’s the one that got me on the
“no-fly” list.
Most sites are highly informative and cover just about everything and
anything the first, second, fifth, or tenth time visitor would want. Hotels,
motels, B&B’s, S&M dungeons, restaurants, bars, gyms, laundry mats, sex
shops, doctors, dentists, landscapers, tattoo artists so on and so on.
However there are still a few places they might not mention or if they
do they don’t explain WHY you should go there. And it’s the WHY that’s
important.
For example, every guidebook on Key West will tell you that Sloppy Joes
is a “must see”. And why wouldn’t they? It’s a Key West staple. A legend all
onto itself, known worldwide. Hell, their slogan is “Sloppy Joes, A Key West
Tradition!”. It’s printed on every single piece of merchandise they sell.
But is that a reason to go there? Because a T-shirt tells you to?
In my opinion, no.
Much like almost everything else in Key West, there’s a history to
Sloppy Joe’s that you should at least be aware of before heading down to it.
Now before you get your panties all in a twist, I’m not saying that you
need to learn every nook and cranny of backstory to every brick and mortar
building to enjoy Key West. Not at all. In fact, the more I visit that town,
the more shit I forget. But what I AM saying is that, by at least knowing part
of why you should be in a certain place, makes actually being there a much more
rewarding experience.
Yes Key West is a full tilt boogie town. No doubt. Your body will shut
down long before the town does. But guess what hoss? You ain’t the first to
fuck and fight your way down Duval St…and you won’t be the last. To know that
you’re sitting where Hemmingway sat, eating where Truman ate, sleeping with
same transvestite hookers that Capote slept with should be of some significance
to you.
And if it’s not, then go start your own blog…or at the very least, stop
reading mine.
So should you stop at Sloppy Joe’s?
The answer is yes.
But not for very long. In my opinion, it’s a bit of a shit-show. Grab a
drink and head across the street over to….
The Bull
and Whistle Bar.
The Bull and Whistle is a bit of a mixed bag.
It’s a 3 story building, offering a different bar and experience on each
level.
And ironically enough the levels are in direct proportion to how much
fun you can expect to have.
The lower level, The Bull is an anomaly. It’s the only place I’ve ever
seen that has almost two complete walls of nothing but open air, direct
sunshine access, yet remains darker then Showtime at the Apollo. It’s a cute
little dive that serves cheap drinks and smells like cat pee.
If that’s your thing, then there’s no need to head upstairs to…
The
Whistle Bar.
Up about 20 steps from the Bull is the Whistle.
A spacious room with the bar off to the left, pool tables to the right
and a wrought iron enclosed balcony with enough seats (usually) for everyone.
It’s this balcony that makes the Bull and Whistle worth experiencing…well, that
and the **said in whispered tones**
the “third floor”…more on that in a bit.
Sitting out on the balcony with a beer watching the people shuffling up
and down Duval Street is a completely unique experience. A bird’s eye view of
drunks, Drag Queens and people just trying to avoid making eye contact with
either of them, gives you a very unique perspective on the world. It makes you
wonder about your own place in society and how the Gods must perceive all of
us. Or, at the very least it’s a great way to look at titties.
Don’t kid yourself...I’m not so high and mighty then I’m above cheap
thrills.
And speaking of cheap thrills, that brings us to the third floor…
The
Garden of Eden Bar.
Right off the bat I’m going to tell you that the name “The Garden of
Eden” is a bit of a misnomer.
See, when you hear the words “Garden of Eden” there’s a built in
expectation based on the *ahem*…”religious
significance”.
The term conjures up imagery of endless beauty
and wonder. Fantastical delights engaging all 5 senses. It’s imagined as a
Utopia with boundless delectations.
The Garden of Eden Bar in Key West is the
exact opposite.
The “appeal” of the place is that it’s
clothing optional.
That’s also its biggest flaw.
Saying that, generally speaking, the people
who take their clothes off at The Garden probably shouldn’t, is an
understatement. The truth is, the people who strip down to their flappies and
dangles are the ones who should have their clothes permanently welded to their
bodies.
Sexy? No.
Wrinkly? Yes.
Wrinkly? Yes.
Make no mistake, the women up there will not look
like Scarlett Johansson.
They will look like David Johansen.
If you do decide to venture up there, please
do so on an empty stomach and at your own risk.
Keep in mind, they don’t allow pictures to be
taken at the Garden of Eden. I think this has less to do with privacy issues
and more to do with the staggering number of camera suicides.
Tread lightly, keep your hands in your pockets
and don’t stare directly into anything.
The Green
Parrot and The Schooner Wharf Bar.
I’m combining these two places for the sake of streamlining this whole
process and because I’ve already talked, albeit briefly, about them in other
posts.
The reasons to visit both of these spots is as much the same as it is
different.
Wha?
Let me explain.
The Green Parrot and The Schooner Wharf couldn’t be any more different
in terms of location and overall vibe if one was on Jupiter and the other
was..well the other wasn’t on Jupiter.
The Green Parrot
is a bluesy dark bar that’s so rough around the edges the
beer has splinters. It’s one half juke joint, one half honky tonk and it’s got
a whole other half that’s the realest place you’ll ever find. Hands down it has
the best live music in Key West and I’d go so far as to say the best music
scene in all of Florida. Blues, rock, swamp, funk, jazz, swing…a band can’t
honestly say they’ve played everywhere until they’ve played The Green Parrot.
It has zero pretense and does not give a shit if you’re a rock star,
porn star, bellhop or circus clown. Walk in, grab a beer, don’t be an asshole and
everything will be just fine. If you don’t think a building can have a soul,
then you’ve never been here.
The energy that flows through the Parrot can power a small town…and
occasionally does.
There’s a reason it’s at the very end of US1…because nothing is strong
enough to follow an act like this.
Believe it!
The
Schooner Wharf Bar
...on the other hand is a laid back outdoor house of worship…if you happen
to worship buckets of beer and platters of shrimp…which, thankfully, I do. As
I’ve mentioned before, it is simply, my favorite place on planet Earth.
Like the Green Parrot, there is no pretense, no pomp and definitely no
circumstance to be found at Schooner Wharf. Walk in off the harbor or the
street, find a table and sit down. The waitress will be over when she gets a
minute. Don’t expect to be treated like a king just because you waddled your
ass off a Royal Caribbean Cruise Ship.
The tables are wobbly plastic, the beer is ice cold and the raw bar
couldn’t be any fresher if it was served by Aqua Man himself. The overall
“chill” vibe at Schooner’s is so intoxicating (pun intended) that you can loose
yourself and all track of time just sitting there. Show up at 11am and
suddenly, before you know it, it’s 7pm and you’ve just run up a $400 bar tab.
Think I’m kidding?
This doesn’t include the previous $165.00 bill from the first server.
Do yourself a favor and make it a point to go there and catch a set by
Michael McCloud.
He's Jimmy Buffet’s answer to Jimmy Buffet.
If you’re like me…tall, ruggedly handsome…well endowed…smell like fresh
picked strawberries…you’ll have an unforgettable time at Schooners. Through the
years, I have found that, like my dog, The Schooner Wharf Bar is great for
judging character. If my dog doesn’t like you or if you don’t like Schooner’s,
then the problem is you.
The East Martello Museum
and Gardens
Ahhh…and
I’ll bet you thought I was only going to list bars.
Well
jokes on you drunky, because the East Martello Museum is an absolute must see.
Located
at 3501 S. Roosevelt Blvd, just opposite of the airport, the museum and gardens
is THE spot to learn how and why Key West is as unique a place as it is.
Everything
you’ve wanted to know from its past military history to the days of the
Wreckers, to its rich artist culture can be found here. As well as breathtaking
panoramic views of the Atlantic coast from the central tower and the enigmatic
and downright fucking creepy local legend, Robert the Doll.
(the less
said about Robert, the better….apparently he doesn’t like people talking behind
his back)
Yes, the
museum is out of the way and no it doesn’t serve alcohol. Yes, there’s homeless
people camped out in front of it and no, they don’t smell so good. Yes the
souvenirs are expensive and made by sweat shop children. But that doesn’t mean the
place should be overlooked. Rent a bike, ride along the Smathers Beach until
you reach the museum. Stop in, have a look around and immerse yourself in some
local history you uneducated mongoloid. Would it kill you to learn something
new?
I didn’t
think so.
BO’s Fish Wagon
BO’s
(that’s Bee-Ohh’s) is less of a “where” and more of a “what”.
Where is
it?
It’s on Caroline Street.
It’s on Caroline Street.
What is
it?
Well,
that depends on what your definition of the word “what” is.
BO’s Fish
Wagon is in fact, a restaurant. But just barely. It serves food. Very good
food. And beer. Cold beer. But all of that is secondary to the fact that BO’s
is a place that should not be. Constructed of spare parts and held together
with glue and luck, BO’s Fish Wagon is one part eatery and 3 parts divine
miracle.
You don’t
so much “step inside” BO’s as much as you “step underneath” an opening and pray
for the best. It’s like Fred Sanford built a clubhouse for The Little Rascals
and decided to serve the best cracked conch sandwich in the Keys.
The fact
that they host a Friday Night Jam Session with local musicians and hundreds of
patrons pushes the known laws of physics well past anything I’m comfortable
with.
That
being said, it’s definitely worth a visit or two, but don’t lean up against
anything.
Cheeseburger Key West
Cheeseburgers
and Mai Tai’s.
Do I
really need to say anything more?
Just look
at this picture
El Siboney and El Meson de
Pepe
One of
the great things that Key West has is its deep-rooted Cuban heritage. Seeing as
how it’s only 90 miles to Cuba, it’s not hard to understand why. And aside from
great cigars, Communism and facial hair, one of Cuba’s signature exports is its
cuisine. To put it bluntly, Cuban food is awesome. Seriously, just awesome.
There have been times when I couldn’t decide whether to eat my roast pork or fuck
it. Truth is, I would eat someone’s fist…still connected to their wrist…if it
was marinated in garlic mojo sauce and served with red beans. And if there’s
anywhere to get the best oven-roasted fist, it’s El Siboney and El Meson de
Pepe.
Now
truthfully, the only reason I’m listing them together like this is that they
are both Cuban restaurants. Otherwise they have absolutely nothing in common
and offer two completely different experiences.
If you are looking for the quintessential Cuban experience, then it’s…
El
Siboney.
The food here can not be topped so don’t even bother trying.
It simply is the best Cuban food in the Keys and I doubt you’re going to
find anyone that disagrees.
The problem with El Siboney (if you can call it a problem) is that it’s
off the beaten path (Catherine Street) and has no ambience whatsoever. It’s
like eating in your grandmother’s dining room. If your grandmother was from
Cuba…and blind…and hated people being comfortable.
If these are the kinds of things that will ruin an experience for you,
then don’t go. However, if you’re not so shallow and can look past the lack of
visual stimuli or modern conveniences like “chairs” and “forks”, then go an get
yourself the best Cuban food this side of Castro’s backyard bbq.
El Meson
de Pepe
on the other hand is almost all about the ambiance. That’s not to say
the food is bad..because it’s not. It’s very good. In fact, you can smell the
food at Pepe’s clear across Mallory Square. But it’s what you get in addition
to great food that helps to sell this place over El Siboney.
First and foremost, it’s conveniently located at the end of Duval Street
adjacent to Mallory Square.
Secondly, if you head down during the sunset celebration, you’ll get the
added bonus of great live Cuban music. Lastly, you couldn’t ask for a better
setting for a pitcher of Sangria then their outdoor garden. It only has about 12
to 15 tables, so you may have to wait if you want to sit out there, but trust
me, it’s well worth it gooooodamnit!
Better
Than Sex
Carly’s Button….
Kelly’s Klimax…
Emily’s Entry….
Names of movies that I’m currently streaming on PornHub?
Well, yes…but that’s not what we’re here to discuss.
No no..in this case, I’m referring to desserts.
Huh? Wha? Huh?
Jump back honky cat…let me explain.
Better Then Sex is the name of a bar. But not just any bar. It’s a
dessert bar and that name doesn’t even begin to do it justice. Better Then Sex
isn’t just better than sex…it’s better then gold-plated electro-monkey sex on a
bed made of pancakes smothered in warm butter with all your buddies cheering
you on.
In fact, Better Than Sex might actually ruin real sex for you.
It has for me.
Every time my wife feels like making with the foo-foo for two two, I
have to turn off the lights and pretend she’s a Red Velvet cheesecake.
Sorry honey.
No really…sorry.
Seriously…sorry.
The place is small, the lighting dark and if the menu was any more
decadent, it would give you an STD.
Items such as The Peanut Butter Perversion or the Tongue Bath Truffle
are so full of flavor, your tongue will get an erection. Yes ladies, even your
tongue.
But the desserts aren’t just limited to cakes and pies. They have a
whole selection of dessert wines decorated with a mess of creatively obscene
garnishes.
In fact, if the “Kinky Key Lime Pie” is the foreplay, then the “Caramel
Over Me” is the money shot.
White Moscato wine in a caramel dipped wine glass.
How bout dem apples.
And speaking of apples, try the “Adult Apple”. Apple-kissed Ale in a
caramel rimmed beer glass.
Want something with a little more tug and rub?
Try the “Gyration”. Rogue Mocha Porter served in a dark chocolate rimmed
glass.
There is literally nothing on the menu that won’t give your face a
massive orgasmic smile hemorrhage.
But…beware. Better Than Sex is a cruel mistress.
She’ll tempt you….she’ll tease you….she’ll delight you…she’ll please
you.
But then…just like that (insert finger snapping sound), she’ll leave
you.
You’ll seek her out….you’ll crave her…you’ll hunger for her sugary
pleasures…but she won’t submit.
You’ll call her, but she won’t answer.
You’ll drive past her. But she won’t be open.
You’ll scream her name in the middle of the night…but she will not hear
you.
She’ll leave you a broken empty shell of a person. Consumed with dreams
made of pastries and cream.
They say it gets easier. They say time heals all wounds. They say it’s
better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.
Well, that about it does it for me.
Thanks for putting up with my nonsense but it’s time to get a movin’.
The road is calling and it’s best
not to keep her waiting.
See ya on the flip flop.
Oh and one more thing…
Woman eating a banana.
Cheers!
