Key West, Florida A not-so-brief overview. Part 1

Key West, Florida  A not-so-brief overview.  Part 1



First an apology followed by an explanation

I’m sorry.

There. There’s my apology.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know I have a tendency to ramble on a bit. In fact, to label what I do “rambling” would be like saying Louis Farrakhan occasionally has a problem with white people. It’s a bit of an understatement.

The truth is, these blogs can be a bit wordy and this particular one probably won’t be much better. In fact, I can almost guarantee it’s gonna be worse.

You see (and here’s the explanation part) I’ve thought long and hard (that’s right, long and hard) how best to write about Key West for a while now and I’ve decided to try to do it as an overview and then, over time, break it down into individual experiences.

The reason for that is two-fold.

First and foremost, Key West Florida is my favorite place. And when I use the word “place”, I don’t mean it as a destination. I mean that in the very literal, over-all sense of the word. It is simply my favorite place to be both physically and mentally. …and occasionally, erotically…but that’s another post for another blog…

Now, I’m sure you’re saying “Mentally?....what the hell kind of metaphorical faux-philosophical mumbo jumbo bullshit is that you overly pretentious cocksucker?”

…to which I reply, “let me explain”.

You know how every December you hear people talk about the “Christmas spirit”?

It’s that warm and fuzzy excited feeling you get around the holidays? The one that makes the taste of eggnog and the idea of being around your in-laws bearable? Well, technically speaking, that’s nothing more then a conditioned neurological response your brain triggers from years of training. It’s not some miracle brought on by festive wintery magic and Tim Allen movies.

 It’s a learned response. But it is very real, it’s very distinct and recognizable and it is emotional.

Well, for me, the same sentiment applies to being in Key West.

It’s much more then anticipation and excitement.

In fact, it’s the opposite.

It’s a serene level of contentment.

It’s the feeling of knowing where you belong. Almost like, you’re not alone.

I guess it’s how a Robert Smith fan feels when he or she first meets a Morrissey fan.

However in my case, it’s not a group of pasty white face downtrodden art fags rebelling against their parents for buying the wrong shampoo.

No. It’s more a feeling of being able to connect with an entire town and (most) of the people that live there. I must stress the word “live” in this instance because the last group of people I ever want to associate myself with would be gangsta rappers…and beyond that, it’s tourists.

God damn do I fucking hate tourists….and gangsta rappers….and people who dress up their cats….and Tim Allen.

Fuck Tim Allen….seriously, fuck him.

Fuck this guy

But I digress…

The vibe I get from Key West is very much one of “being home”.

It’s familiar and comforting. And even though, geographically speaking it’s not the most easily accessible place, the expedition is part of the romance.

And if you read my post about traveling, you’d know that’s saying a lot.

The second reason (remember, I was listing reasons…) is that I have been a frequent visitor to the Florida Keys and Key West for the better part of the last 2 decades.  I make it a point to get down there every year, sometimes 2 to 3 times a year if possible. And that being the case, it makes more sense to give an overview for my first Keys-themed post rather then a detailed breakdown of a particular trip.

Follow?

At some point, when I’m able to overcome the army of lazies that have forcibly occupied the Motivation Quadrant of my brain, I’ll start writing about my past adventures and exploits down in the southernmost city of the United States. And as much as I’d like to hype it up and play it off as a sordid drug-fueled road adventure, the truth of the matter is, it’s probably much less “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” 

and probably much more “Vegas Vacation”.

So there you have it. If you’ve stuck with this post this far, I’m hoping you’ll stick with it to the end.

You should.

I think you owe it yourself.

Plus, it’ll be fun and entertaining….well written with intriguing characters. There will be mystery, suspense, thrills and chills. Unfortunately in the end I will probably meander off topic or get bogged down in my own sub plots and the finale will be telegraphed and anti-climactic. Just like every Stephen King book since Salem’s Lot.

But I can promise that there’ll be explosions...car chases…gratuitous male nudity…random acts of tomfoolery…drag queens and conch fritters.

So read on dear reader…read on.

Key West:

I’m going to focus primarily on the town of Key West and leave the other Keys for another time. But, to be clear, if you’re looking for the full 7 layer-burrito experience of Key West, then driving through the upper and lower Keys is a must. Without it, you’re only getting half the soup and no salad. (Hmmm..two food references…I must be hungry)

It’s like Sherlock and no Watson…Gomez but no Morticia.

It’s like sex without foreplay. Sure it’s good, but you’ve missed out on half the fun.

At this point I’m assuming everyone reading this has at least heard something about Key West, Florida, right?

Well?...am I right?

And I’m guessing if you’ve never been there, you picture it as some kind of non-stop rum soaked party all set to a Jimmy Buffet soundtrack, right?

Well, if so, you’re correct. Kind of.

I say “kind of” because if that’s all you’re looking for then that’s all you’re going to find and in my opinion, you’ve missed the point entirely. Which, again, my opinion only, is good, because the town is already overrun with single-minded Coors Light chugging troglodytes all looking for their lost shaker of salt and people like that are one trick ponies at best. They only know of one thing –only looking for one thing and subsequently all hang out at one place. Leaving room enough for the rest of us.

It’s not a dig at Jimmy Buffet and his legion of Parrotheads per say. Nor am I critiquing the billion-dollar media empire he’s built around false hopes and crappy songs. To Jimmy, the man, I say congratulations. You done good. But if all you and you’re friends are looking for is a cheeseburger in paradise, might I recommend visiting a Margaritaville Café that is closer to home. There’s one in Las Vegas, Myrtle Beach, Panama City, Glendale Arizona, New Orleans, Connecticut, Cancun, Nashville, Chicago and of course, Orlando. You’ll have the exact same experience at any one of these locations as you would in the Keys…minus all that pesky art and culture that permeates Key West. And that is PRECISELY why using Jimmy Buffet as your motivating guide to experiencing the island is a bad idea.

Key West is a town unlike any other I’ve ever experienced.

Almost everything about it is wholly unique. The people, the atmosphere, the lifestyle…everything right down to the food. It’s a place like no other and in a very real sense, is an island unto itself.

So why would you ever use something as generic and mass-produced as “Son of a Sailor” to be your navigational beacon?  Sure it sounds like a good idea, but then again so did John Mayer and SuckerPunch…and we all remember how that turned out.

If you wanted to experience other countries and foreign cultures, you wouldn’t just go visit the different pavilions at Epcot, would you? Well, same theory applies here.

I know that in some people’s eyes, Key West is the “town that Jimmy Buffet” built, but the truth is, Jimmy Buffet is the Disneyfication of what Key West REALLY is and there probably isn’t a single Conch (a term applied to someone who was born in Key West) that would disagree with me.

But that’s not to say that the daydreams and ideals that Buffet and his trop-rock followers perpetuate and subscribe to do not exist. No. In fact, that glamorized, near fictitious Arcadia is very very real and so are its inhabitants. You just need allow yourself to see it.

As I mentioned, Key West is a town like no other. At least none that I’ve come across. Only 4 miles in length and 2 miles in width, it can literally be anything you need it to be at any time of day.

Looking for a flashy, expensive 4 star night out on the town, just head over to the Café Maquesa on Flemming Street (try the Scallop Lasagnetta!).

How about a younger party scene? Grab your bathing suit and head over to Dante’s. The only restaurant with a swimming pool.

Want something more low-key and casual? Head over to B.O.’s Fish Wagon. Literally built of spare parts and held together by duct tape and luck, it simply can’t get any more casual then this.

Parked on the corner of William and Caroline, you can’t miss it.  Just look for the truck!

There is literally a “place for everyone” in Key West and that’s a tremendous part of it’s appeal and charm. But it’s more then that, the island itself is a living, breathing sentient life form that needs to be experienced to be truly appreciated. It can see…it can hear and it can talk. And sometimes it won’t shut the fuck up.

And like any other living creature it has a heart (the nightlife), a brain (it’s history) and a soul (the locals). And it’s this soul that gives it such a diverse and multifaceted personality. And make no mistake; Key West has personality out the ass!

Whenever anyone asks me what he or she should do in Key West, my answer is always the same. As a first timer, there are 5 “Musts”. You can do these in any order but they all must be completed, otherwise, you’ve had a less then successful visit.

1. Go to the top of La Concha to see the sunset

2. Hit the Rum Bar and have Bahama Bob mix you a Goombay Smash

3. Go to Schooner Wharf and catch a set by Michael McCloud

4. The Green Parrot at night

5. MEET THE LOCALS.

That last one is imperative and it’s important that you do it on every subsequent visit as well. Just like the town, the (true) locals are a breed all their own. And each hand I’ve shaken was unique. A combination of quirky and down-to-earth…sophisticated and crass…genial and cantankerous….artistic and salty…suave and cynical….cordial, courteous and kind yet jaded, inappropriate and lewd. They are some of the most interesting and real people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

And sure, not everyone you meet will be friendly or interested in sharing a story with you, but by and large, Key West has the most fascinating cast of characters you’re ever likely to find.

I know I’m making it sound like the locals are part of a circus sideshow, lined up to be gawked at and photographed, but that’s not really what I’m getting at.

By no means am I suggesting you walk around, poking them with a stick while insisting they dance for nickels. Although, I’d like to see you try it. Lets see you get past a TSA agent with a poking stick lodged up your ass and a Conch republic flag arc welded to your back.

Everything I say, I say with total respect. Key West is an amazing place to visit, but a  very tough place to live. Sure it’s all rum and sunsets to you and I, but we don’t have to make a living there. The average local works 3 jobs and if they’re lucky, gets one day off every 5 weeks. That’s a legitimate statistic that I just made up…so you know it’s true. Most of the people I’ve met there over the years understand that the town runs on the almighty tourist dollar. They know they have to appease the fat smellies from the cruise ships if they want to make their mortgage payment and they’re happy to do so. But they also know that Key West belongs to them. You’re a guest in their house and you damn well better wipe your feet before you come in. This isn’t Disney World where it’s all plastic smiles all the time for anyone that paid their admission fee. This is the Florida Keys and if you got a smile it’s because you earned it, not because you think you deserve it.

So they do their best to straddle that thin line of gently coddling and catering to tourists while maintaining their individuality and integrity and they do this better then anyone. Warm, welcoming and hospitable…but don’t come in acting like you own the joint. They don’t call it “Bone Island” for nothing. Just ask Robert Matherson, the guy who used to own the Oak Beach Inn.

Originally when I first started writing this post, I had intended on including a brief history of Key West, going on to talk, probably at great length, about some of the famous and not so famous people that have helped to create and shape the island’s culture. But truthfully, I don’t think anyone reading this really cares and I’m not in the mood to dole out a history lesson right now. All of what I would tell you can probably be found on Wikipedia…so head over there if you’re really curious. In the meantime, here’s a quick visual reference guide of just a handful of people, past and present who either hail from or have helped contribute to the aesthetical architecture of the island.

I‘m going to end this segment here. According to the little counter at the bottom of my Microsoft Word page, I’m up to 2,273 words and I haven’t even really gotten into the “meat and potatoes” of it yet. So I’ll give my fingers and your attention span, a little rest. So feel free to get up, stretch your legs and grab a cup of coffee. Just remember- don’t feed the bears and abstain from using flash photography.

Ok, that’s all for now….Part II coming soon….the road is calling and it’s best not to keep her waiting.

Toodles.

Oh and one last thing….woman eating a banana.