First let me say, I realize that this post is at least 2 months late, but, in my defense, suck it.
I just started this whole blogspot bit and I have a lot of catching up to do. So if you could just untwist your panties while I get my shit together, that would be swell. And if you’re new to my insane style of off-the-cuff, freebase binge ranting, let me forewarn you...I use a lot of bad words. A LOT. I also make up a lot of words and more then likely, sooner or later, I’ll make fun of someone you like. Don’t take it personally and for fuck’s sake, don’t send me angry emails. Do something more productive then getting all pissy pants about something I wrote. Go outside, plant a tree, abduct a child...whatever. Just leave me out of it. Sounds hypocritical right? I mean, you’re supposed to listen to me and my tales of ethanol-fueled road adventures and delirium but I don’t want to hear what you might have to say in return..right?
That is correct.
This blog aint big enough for two overly cynical, jaded crybabies....one of us is gonna have to go. And seeing as how that’s my name on the About Me section, it looks like you’re the one that’s gonna have to hit the road.
And speaking of the road...let’s hit it.
California Dreamin’....Why the Hell is Everybody Screamin’?
Date: May 12, 2010 – May 19th 2010
Location: Northern California
Cast: Me and the Missus
It’s been a long time since I was in California. Truthfully, it’s been over 10 years since I was anywhere near the West Coast (not counting Mexico). I live in New York and my typical stomping grounds are points East of Louisiana. I’ve never really been a big fan of California. I know that’s a very broad generalization to make, but for whatever reason, a vacation there never really held much interest for me. Maybe it’s because they elected an aging action star, with absolutely no political background, Governor, maybe it’s because the Red Hot Chile Peppers can’t stop fucking singing about how great it is there or maybe it’s because the whole goddamn state reminds me of Keannu Reeves...I don’t know...I just didn’t care about it. I’ve been there a few times before when I was a bit younger. The L.A./Hollywood, Burbank area and truthfully, I couldn’t wait to get the hell out and go home. But back in March of 2010, I stumbled across a friend’s gallery of pictures from his recent North Cali trip on Facebook, and something about them just seemed to resonate with me. I had some vacation time coming up and had recently kicked my addiction to Kid Rock and Cripple Porn, so I had some extra cash lying around…and figured, why the hell not?
So off we went…
San Francisco • Sonoma • Carmel • Monterey • Big Sur • San Francisco
We landed in San Francisco around 12:30 pm California time…and let me just say this to the city of San Francisco, Fuuuuuuucccck You!
*more on that later
Got our rental car and headed North to…
Sonoma.
Now, I’ve always heard that drive to and through California’s Wine Country is nice…and they were right. It sure is nice. In fact, I‘m sure it’s on a postcard or bumper sticker somewhere. “Sonoma..it’s nice”.
I’m not struggling for adjectives here, it’s just that “nice” is the best way to describe it. It’s not “mind-bendingly stupefying” or “ball-crushingly stunning”…it’s nice. Lots of hills and valleys and cows and grass.
It won’t make sing songs of rainbows and love but it won’t make you cry tears of pure sewage either.
The town of Sonoma and surrounding areas of it’s wine country are enjoyable…if you happen to like wine…which thankfully enough, the missus and I do.
A lot.
So much so, that we have no problem traveling 3000 plus miles just to spend the day drinking it.
Don’t ask me to tell you which wineries we went to, because this trip was back in May (it’s July 8th as I type this) and, well, I don’t remember much of what happened that day other then we spent it drinking wine and driving around, looking for other places to drink even more wine.
I can tell you we stayed at the El Pueblo Inn (http://www.elpuebloinn.com) which more then suited our needs. Clean, close to everything and no dead transients in the closet. I don’t need much more then that.
We spent two and half days in Sonoma before packing up and heading North to…
Carmel-By-The-Sea.
The drive from Sonoma to Carmel is roughly 3 and a half hours. And if you’re lucky and take the scenic route, like we accidentally did, you get to drive straight through the heart of Oakland, California.
Oh what a treat that is.
Oakland…America’s unflushable toilet. A city that makes Camden, New Jersey seem safe.
Oakland is such an unfathomable shit hole, it’s city anthem is the screaming sound of a hooker being shot in the face with AIDS.
Seriously, if at all possible, avoid it like it’s Mexican tap water.
But I digress…
Carmel-by-the-Sea, simply known as Carmel boasts itself as being the #1 Dog Friendly City in the United States. And by all accounts, it’s true. This happened to work in our favor because not only are my wife and myself upwardly mobile alcoholics, we’re also dog lovers.
We love dogs…all dogs….well, not ALL dogs…not those little yappy shake-and-piss dogs…but real dogs. Like our dog, Lulu.
That’s a real dog.
The town of Carmel is small. Roughly 1.5 square miles and depending on which way you’re walking, all down hill. It has a very quaint and old world aesthetic which heavily plays into it’s strong artistic community.
The uneven streets are lined with upscale boutiques, restaurants and galleries and capped off by an amazing beach at the far west end.
Just to the North lies the entrance to the famous “17 Mile Drive” which is exactly that.
17 miles of winding road that travels through McMansion neighborhoods of Pebble Beach, over to the coast and back again. The scenery runs the gamut of “meh” to “breathtaking”.
I’d love to tell you that while we were in town we shopped at high end clothing stores, dined on 5 star cuisine and discussed the finer points of life while getting couples massages, but we mainly walked around town, petting various dogs and sat on the beach with a couple of bottles of wine.
That being said, Carmel is a town I would recommend to couples looking for two or three romantic days away from it all. You really don’t need much more then that to see it and it’s definitely not a place for kids.
If you are thinking of going, check out The Lobos Lodge. Perfect place to stay. Affordable, close to the beach and complimentary breakfast service brought right to your door each morning.
http://www.loboslodge.com/
I listed Monterey at the start of this article, but I mention it here only as a footnote. We spent a few hours there as a side trip through the area.
It's nice enough but nothing that I personally would rave about. The city reads like one big seaside tourist attraction with no real inherent value. I'm not putting the city down by any means, it just seems like it would have been much cooler to see it 20 or 30 years ago. The history of the city can still be seen if you look carefully through the cracks, but just like a thousand other historically significant American cities, gentrification forced the appeal of this city into hiding and replaced it shiny new, more palatable version of it's former self.
That being said, it does have a pretty cool tiki bar called Hula's.
TO BE CONTINUED….
in the meantime, here's a woman eating a banana.
.....AND WE'RE BACK
PART II
The Road To Big Sur:
Any website offering online maps, directions or local points of interest will tell you that it takes roughly 45 minutes to drive from Carmel to Big Sur.
I am here to tell you that is utter horseshit.
These online sources, as well as any guide book or tourist literature on the area, will adamantly state that the drive south on the Cabrillo Highway is "Majestic" and "Breathtaking" and "Awe-Inspiring".
...which is all true.
What they all fail to mention is that it’s also “Paralytically Terrifying”.
The road to Big Sur is the highway equivalent of a story being told by an Alzheimer's patient. It’s long and meandering with sudden turns, dips and bumps and at times makes no goddamn sense at all.
Basically it’s 30 miles of utter madness.
One side is a wall of granite and loose stones and the other side is a mile high cliff overlooking the North Pacific Ocean. If an errant boulder doesn’t kill you, the Thelma and Louise type launch into oblivion certainly will.
That being said, the drive is spectacular and is one of this country’s “Must See’s”. It really is something to behold....so get out there and behold the shit out of it.
And not only is the drive itself amazing, but some of the stops along the way have to be seen to be believed and truly appreciated
Specially Garrapata and Molera State Parks.
While both parks offer little in the way of “activities”, the panoramic views they serve up more then make the stops worthwhile.
With miles of hiking trails, picnic spots and uninterrupted coastline, you could easily spend a full day at either parks and still not see everything.
Aside from the views, the thing I found most amazing was the abundance of local wildlife and how indifferent it was to our presence.
I know that really shouldn't come as much of a shock considering here on Long Island, we have areas where wild deer will casually stroll right up to you and ask you if you’re gonna finish that sandwich, but this just seemed different. More primitive, somehow.
For instance, at Garrapata State Park we had a family of what I’m guessing were gophers or prairie dogs...some kind of pudgy rodent..that followed us the entire time. And not at a distance either. At one point one crawled into my camera bag.
But the biggest thrill for me were the seals. They were everywhere! Mostly sleeping on the beach or lazily rolling around making low guttural barking sounds...like slippery versions of my Uncle Johnny searching for the remote control.
At one point I walked right up to one and poked him in the nose.
...I know it’s childish...but he was within nose poking distance and I just couldn’t resist.
What can I say, I have a lot of growing up to do.
Anyway, so back to Big Sur and the road what to for there within and such.
As I said at the beginning, google maps will tell you it takes 45 to get from Carmel to Big Sur...I say “yea right”. 45 minutes in a straight line traveling at about 90 miles an hour, maybe. But the road to Big Sur is anything but a straight line and you’ll be lucky if your speedometer ever registers anything above 20.
It’s 80% twisted and winding narrow highway with hair pin turns, slick hills and sudden dips...reminds me of an old girlfriend....the other 20% is Sasquatch country. Foggy valleys surrounded by moss covered hills and lined with trees.
In fact, everything south of the Carmel Mission is like a roller coaster built by MC Escher after a weeklong bender of crystal meth and Captain Beefheart.
They should have a sign right at the start of the highway that reads “Welcome to Big Sur...Good Fucking Luck!”
But enough about the hazards...
For me, Big Sur was the stand out part of this trip. Once we got to where we were going, it was exactly what I was looking for the entire time.
An easy going, laid back and relaxing vacation. And no place I’ve ever been exemplifies this more then The Treebones Resort.
http://www.treebonesresort.com/
The best way I can describe Treebones is to call it a 5 star campground.
I know that might not sound too appealing, but it is, by far, the best place to stay in Big Sur.
And that’s not to say that it’s without it’s amenities. Not only is there a world class restaurant on site ( Wild Coast Restaurant) but there’s also a sushi bar, heated swimming pool, hot tub and hands down, the most amazing panoramic views of the Pacific Ocean.
We stayed in Yurt #9.
What’s a yurt, you might ask...well a Yurt is a tent-like circular fabric structure supported by a wooden lattice frame. It’s like a combination of a camping tent and a circus tent and it’s more comfortable then sleeping in a hammock made of unicorn dreams.
My only regret is that we could only stay one night before moving on.
San Franciso
At the start of this blog I gave a big ol’ Fuck You to San Fran and you might of been wondering why. Well, let me tell you why...you wanna know why?...cos fuck you San Francisco, that’s why!
Oh sure, San Francisco’s a nice city with a great art scene...lots of history..a cool night life, etcetera, etcetera, etcccccceteeeeerahhhhhh...but you know what else? You know what most people only gloss over when talking about it? The topography. The landscape. The geological make up of the city.
San Francisco is built on the side of a goddamn mountain. And I don’t mean that in a “ha ha” kind of way and I don’t mean that they tunneled through a mountain to create a more hospitable environment like say, for instance, every other city that’s ever done something similar. No. Whomever first settled the bay area, most have come upon the base of a mountain, was too tired to look for something more suitable and said “fuck it...I’m building my city here” and then proceeded to pave a road up the side with no regard for the law of physics or human life. The fact that this city exists in it’s current state is half a mystery and half a miracle.
Driving through San Francisco is a grab bag of fuckery. First and foremost, there’s only two directions you can go. Up or down. And then there’s only two speeds in which you can travel. Snails crawl or light speed.
It’s like playing some bat-shit version of Pole Position and that’s not even mentioning the fact that those pretty trolley-lined hills you see in all the scenic tourist propaganda are actually miles high and at the very least, 65 degree angles.
That might not sound like much, but do you actually know what a 65 degree angle looks like?
Here, let me show you...
See that middle line? That’s 65 degrees.
Imagine that bottom line is the Pacific Ocean and the slanty middle line is a rain-soaked street at least 2 miles high.
Now picture walking up that hill or worse yet, driving down it.
Right.
Fuck you San Francisco.
In all fairness, we didn’t stay in the city. We stayed outside of it close to the airport as we had an early flight. So no, I didn’t give it a fair chance. In fact, I literally drove in, around and out of the city in one shot. I would like to go back and see it for real one day, but I have an aversion to vegans and aging hippies and for whatever reason, I encountered quite a few of each in my brief visit.
Well, that’s all for now.
The road is calling and it’s not good to keep her waiting.
