I travel with a fair amount of frequency. Not generally for
work, mind. Mostly for fun. By no means am I a “world traveler” or “continent
jumping adventurer”…but I do like to get out and travel when time and money
permit.
Someone once said “The world is a book and by not traveling
you’re only reading the first page”…or something to that extent…the point is, I
wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment…regardless of how badly I might have
mangled the actual quote.
…you get the point…
Anyway, the one thing I absolutely DESPISE about traveling
is the actual traveling itself. In fact, “despise” doesn’t accurately describe
my feelings toward the Z-grade dog and pony show that should be the relatively
simple act of getting on and off an airplane in this country today.
And before I get started, let me just say that I know
complaining about airlines is a well-worn cliché at this point. It’s a water
cooler topic covered by everyone from bad stand up comedians to airline
personnel themselves. But I really feel in terms of moral decay, we’ve
officially reached critical mass. And I’m not even talking about the
sky-rocketing cost of a plane ticket or the fact that you now have to pay extra
to check your luggage or even the unexpected prostate exam the overzealous (and
undertrained ) TSA agents feel you need...
…no…when I complain about traveling, I’m
mainly talking about the other people….the festering mutant sub-species known
as “The American Traveler”.
Simply put, these fucking chuds are the stains on the bottom
rung of society’s evolutionary ladder. A congealed mass of fat smelly’s that should be locked in bio-hazard
containment tanks and beaten to death with hammers made of AIDS.
Oh I would love to travel…love it…if it weren’t for all the
fucking inbred mongoloids I’m surrounded by every time I step foot in an
airport.
I am fully convinced that people are at their worst when
they (a)-travel in herds and (b) get on
an airplane. Never in my life have I seen such blatant disregards for
acceptable societal behavior then when I’m stuck behind some 400 pound bean-bag
shaped retard on a plane while he tries to cram his Volkswagon-sized carry on
into the overhead compartment. It seems to happen every single fucking time and
it never ceases to amaze me. It’s almost as if God insists on replaying the same
scene for me, but just to keep things interesting, he recasts the role.
And as I watch these cretin’s struggle with the unbendable
laws of physics, I always find myself asking the same question…how did this
thing get off the Island of Doctor Moreau ?
But standing behind people trying to shove a square peg into
a round hole is just half the fun. The excitement always starts at the gate.
Usually before the pilot, co-pilot, stewardess and even the actual airplane,
show up.
It’s a little something I like to call…
LEARN THE FUCKING ALPHABET YOU ASSHOLE!
…and it it goes like this….
I fly Southwest Airlines almost exclusively. It’s not that I
have any deep love of the airline, it’s just that it has the cheapest rates,
leaves from the airport closest to my house and usually flies within 100 miles
of wherever I’m going. Simple arithmetic.
Southwest has an “open seating” policy and a “general
boarding” procedure.
Basically what that means is there’s no set seat assignment.
You get a ticket, you get on board, you find an open seat and sit your fat ass
in it.
Easy Peezy.
They way they do this is by assigning alphabetical and numerical
boarding groups and the way they decide who is in what group, is based on when
you check in.
Here’s how it breaks down…
24 hours before your scheduled departure time, you can
either call Southwest or check in online. So if your flight is 7am on Tuesday
morning, at 7am Monday morning, you check in.
The trick is to do AS CLOSE to the EXACT time as possible to ensure an
early boarding group letter. For instance, if you check in at PRECISELY the 24
hour mark, you’re very likely to get into the “A” Boarding group. If you check
in an hour after that, more then likely you will be in the “B” Boarding group
and if you wait till you get to the airport the day of your flight, your lazy
ass will be in the “C” Boarding group.
The plane gets boarded alphabetically…the A group goes
first, followed by the B group and then finally the C group…..still with me?
Now since the airlines are well aware that large groups of
people are as mind-numbingly stupid as large groups of cattle..they break the
process down even further by assigning chronological numbers to your
alphabetical boarding group. So for instance, if your boarding pass says A-15,
you get to board the plane before A-16.
ANNNNNND to make all this even easier…literally idiot
proof…they tell you exactly where to stand while your lining up at the gate to board
your plane.
There are big silver poles in every Southwest terminal with
sequential numbers on them. Pole 1 might say 1-30. Guess who stands there?
That’s right…the people who have a boarding pass that has a number on that
falls somewhere in the 1 through 30 sequence. Then, right next to that pole,
there’s another silver pole that says “31-40”…guess who gets to stand by that
pole….
See how fucking easy this whole process is?
Monkeys could figure this out. Seriously. Monkeys. And not
those smart Planet of the Apes monkeys…no, I mean your standard every day shit
flinging monkeys.
But ironically enough you know who can not handle this
entire concept?
People. That’s who.
Fucking people.
Completely baffled by the whole idea of boarding in an
alphabetical group and lining up in a numerical order.
I can’t tell you how many times the Southwest gate agent has
called Boarding Group A, numbers 1-30 to get on the airplane only to come to a
screeching halt because some jerk-off with family in tow is trying to jump the
line with a C ticket because he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE ORDER OF THE ALPHABET.
These are the mulligans that need to be thrown off
airplanes. Not the morbidly obese..not the kissing lesbians…not the saggy pants
people….no…the fucking inbred mental defectives that can’t understand why A
comes before C and why 12 comes before 42.
But wait, there’s more…
You would think that once you and whomever you’re traveling
with get on the plane, store your luggage and take your seat, the shenanigans
would come to an end…right? If someone has gotten to this point, one might
assume that they’ve figured out the mechanics of the system…but no…oh no…not
so. After all, this is gen-pop humanity we’re talking about. The bullshit
continues. Inevitably there will be somebody walking up and down the cramped
aisle of the airplane, holding his boarding pass in his hand, searching in
vain, for seat A-25 or B-11 or C-64 or whatever his boarding pass says…even
though to even get to this point, he has been told many times that there are NO
assigned seats and that it’s open seating. So now, through his own ignorance,
he’s forced into the worst possible place….the dreaded middle seat. The
airlines version of the car with the hump in the middle (anyone remember those)
But I digress….or do I?
Moving on…
Now all of this is just the preliminary irritations you have
to deal with just to get on the plane. At this point, we’re all still on the
tarmac waiting for take off.
I’m not going to get in to the screaming babies, loud
talkers, seat kickers, sleeveless shirt wearing hillbillies or that half-dried
puddle of what I hope is Jergins lotion on my seat. As far as I’m concerned
that’s all par for the course and at this point, should be expected with budget
airlines. I’m not saying it’s right…just that, hey, you get what you pay for.
After all, I can’t walk into a country bar and complain about them playing too
much country music.
But basic things like civility, common courtesy and
gentility have gone right out the fucking window. It’s as if being stuck in a
flying tube gives people the right to act like complete animals. Untrained
animals. Untrained animals with learning disabilities. Untrained animals with
learning disabilities and an obnoxious sense of self-entitlement.
People get on an airplane and immediately forget that they
are surrounded by other people. Some of the behavior I’ve personally witnessed
runs the gamut from repugnant to criminal. And it’s all because people are
rude, inconsiderate, self-centered shitstains.
Is it so hard to just get in your seat, put in your
headphones or open a book and spend the rest of the flight in a quiet state of
the shutthefuckupedness?
• Why do I have to look over and watch a woman putting on
deodorant?
• Did you really need to bring an entire pizza on a two hour
flight?
• Singing out loud to the music on your iPod is not only
annoying, it automatically makes you a douchebag.
• And speaking of douchebags, being a Jersey Shore-wannabe
is not something you should strive for and no matter how fucking charming you
think you’re being, the stewardess hates your orange tanned face. Stop annoying
her.
• If you change your baby’s diaper at your seat, I’m going
to strangle you with the cord from the overhead oxygen mask.
• It’s an airplane, not a high altitude keggar. Stop
shouting to your buddies sitting five rows behind you. There is nothing you
have to say that can’t wait till you land. We get it…you have friends that are
also on the plane…now by default, they’re assholes too.
• If you stand up to get something out of the overhead
compartment directly over my seat, please be aware that your balls are now at
the same level as my face. Conversely, if it’s the overhead compartment
directly opposite my seat, it’s now your ass that’s eye-level. The point is, be
fucking quick about it.
• Black people should never be allowed to sit together. Sorry.
I don’t care how racist that sounds.
It’s the truth. Fly out of Detroit or Atlanta and then see if you
disagree with me.
Have you ever seen footage of a bus in some in some broken
down country like Pakistan or Uzbekistan or Ihatespamistan…any of those
istan-istan countries and it’s like 2,000 people and a barnyard’s worth of
livestock all crammed in and on and under and around an old beat up bus
traveling down some dusty rock-laden road?
Yea well that makes some of the
flights I’ve been on look like a stretch limo filled with high priced escorts.
Can you imagine, that not too long ago, getting on an
airplane and flying to a particular destination was part of the vacation
experience in and of itself?
It’s true. Ask your parents.
Flying used to be a civilized event. Something people looked
forward to.
Men would show up to the airport dressed in suits instead of
hockey jerseys and pajama pants. Flight attendants were polite, helpful and
courteous instead of snippy and drunk. The planes themselves were polished and
clean…inside and out.
Now if you’re able to find a seat that hasn’t been peed in,
consider yourself lucky.
The whole system is broken.
The infrastructure has decayed and the foundation has
crumbled. We’ve come to a point that when we book a flight, we not only accept
that we’ll have to eat shit, but we pay for seconds. It’s a disgrace and speaks
more about the current state of American humanity that I care to get into right
now. (This is a travel blog, not a critique on society) But I guess that’s just
the way things are for now. I’d love to say that I have faith that one day the
act of traveling will return to it’s long since faded glory days, but I don’t.
It’s a thing of the past. Like dinosaurs, the Ford Pinto or Dennis Miller.
I guess in the grand scheme of things, this is really all
just small potatoes. I mean, as long as the plane takes off and lands safely, I
should consider myself lucky. And I do. It’s just that when the person sitting
next to you on a six hour red-eye to Vegas won’t stop talking and smells like
egg salad, it’s tough to remain chipper.
Know what I’m saying?
Well that’s all for now kids…. the road is calling
and it’s not good to keep her waiting.
Thanks for reading ….and one last
thing…woman eating a banana.
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